What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
