He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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