you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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