I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
