I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
