Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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