Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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