cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
