the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
