i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
