Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
