he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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