this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
