Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
