I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
