im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
