he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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