My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
