he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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