I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
