The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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