You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
