ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
