don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
