My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
