I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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