her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
