just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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