i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
