I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
