Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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