I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
