I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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