Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
