i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
