My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
