I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
