The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
