i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
