K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
