mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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