I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
