It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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