Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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