I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
