why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
