Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
