she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
