i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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