Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Randomize
